When I wrote the post about classifying MBA students, I had this faint lingering notion about how this thought would stand for MBA Professors. After all, these were the most charismatic, lethal, flamboyant and outstanding Profs I had met in my life! (Too many oxymorons bundled together, isn’t it?!)
And to add to the spice is a perplexing place called B School.
With attackers lurking in every corner, the Economists would scare you with their “invisible hands” and morbid fatalistic dialogues like – “In the long run, we are all dead”. The Finance Profs would confound you with levered and unlevered cash flows. The HR instructors were even more alarming – linking all your motives and actions to Freudian theories. Ouch!
And then, there were the Spiders who would stick to the blackboard, crawling from one end to another throughout the class. And no session of the Superman was complete without anecdotes of his glorious achievements and how he saved the MBA Community from extinction!
There I go, time to begin another classification.
So, if I had to classify all the B-school profs I’ve met, what boxes would I put them in. Lets see…
The Bully – The unforgettable ones first. Call them demons, call them monsters, this is a class of Profs who love to be hated and feared. They simply swagger into the classroom and terrorize students with their brazen wit, armed with some inner psychological complex to inflict the maximum torture on the lowly student community. Greater the pain inflicted, greater is their sense of satisfaction. Slights are hurled as incendiary bombs if you so much as sneeze in the class. Exceptionally intelligent minds, they specialize in delivering the most innovative and damaging insults. Shocking, disgusting, appalling, disgraceful, shameful, hideous are their favorite words. And all of these are used to describe the abominable mental capacity of the foul-slimy-creatures (called students!) in their class. Their grades send shock waves across the halls, leaving a trail of destruction behind. The survivors thank their stars – perhaps some benevolent act of their previous birth has spared them this time. However much they aspire to be hated, they are usually admired for their wit and creative insults. Now that I think of it, their goondagiri seems to be somehow cute in retrospection!!
The Angel – So, now that you’ve met the demons, shouldn’t the Angels be close around? Like a bright ray of sunshine in the gloomy environs, these Professors are loved and admired by one and all. They can make any class interesting with their infectious enthusiasm. That doesn’t make them lenient though, and like the rest of the lot, they also make their students sweat it out. Yet, in the end their generous appreciation and warmth makes it worth the effort.
The Dinosaurs – I’ve just read Jurassic Park so couldn’t resist this one. Here they are, teaching an obsolete course with data which hasn’t been updated in years. And like a dinosaur, continue to dwell in the rich glorious history of their extinct-since-ages subject. Refusing to change according to the times and clinging on to their close to heart curriculum, they sometimes come up with statistics that could easily belong to the late Cenozoic era!. Yet, never ready to lose hope and enthusiasm; they try to entice the students with leading phrases like – “We have a very interesting topic coming up now” or “The theory we will discuss next is mind-blowing”. Unfortunately, these words usually have an unintended sedative effect and half the class ends up snoring away in full glory right under their noses!
The Dementor – Have you seen the Harry Potter series?
If you have, then you would definitely recognize the Dementors. Their classes are not for the fainthearted, who opt out right in the beginning. A cold chill fills the room dissolving every bit of happiness the moment they step in. You have a sinking feeling and a dull stomachache until their class ends.
Genius of dark sarcasm, they can suck out your soul while you squirm in your seats. If the dementors are in the mood, they can make you feel clinically depressed, and long exposure to them can make you lose your mind!. These scary things frighten you so much than even when you know the answer; a mere look into their expressionless eyes will paralyze you. Your body refuses to respond, you can barely talk, and your words come out in an incoherent squeak!.
Like dark creatures of magic, they somehow have some affiliation for the forbidden witching hours. All their assignments need to be submitted in the dead of the night. No wonder the poor souls taking their subject are usually spotted wandering around aimlessly – like ghouls in the night mess!
The Gods – Gods don’t walk; they just float, and the students worship the grounds beneath their feet!. FB updates and status messages are dedicated to them, they strongly divide the population between the Believers and non believers. Attending their class is like an out-of-the-world experience as they transport you to a different universe, and dazzle the audience with their depth and wit. Their mastery over their craft creates loyal followers with blogs, groups spawned in their name. Their ready wit has the whole class in splits, and earns them an iconic status amongst all students – past, present and future!.
The Saint – “In his holy flirtation with the world, God occasionally drops a handkerchief. These handkerchiefs are called saints.”
Having already achieved Nirvana, the Saints envision letting their whole class attain self actualization by their libertarian methods of teaching. Like a breath of fresh air, they bring a peace and calm in the stressful environment of B school. Strong advocates of Globalization, Liberalization and the Internet era, they sincerely believe that knowledge is best imparted through online games and social networking in their classes. Bunking their class to sleep is almost a religious ritual, and the Saints wouldn’t even bat an eyelid if 1 student said “Yes Sir!” for all 60 roll calls!. No wonder their classes are hugely popular, especially in the 5th and 6th Sem.
The Joker – Don’t be fooled. These Profs are not the funny type at all. Like the Joker in Batman movies, they will kill you while they flourish a huge grin on their faces. What’s funny is the ridiculous lengths they can go to excruciate the hapless souls forced to attend their class, and the inventive ways and means they find out to torture them.
Some snapshots illustrated below.
The class begins with statistics of how many students of the previous batch have got D in this subject (Hovering dangerously close to 80% )
Assignment 1: Write a blog post on some god-forsaken-disgusting-topic (Pardon my irreverence, but I really mean it!) within 5 hours it is unleashed to the world. Means, don’t dare breathe, eat, drink or sleep in these 5 hours, just madly Blog!. All ideas have to be original, otherwise strict anti plagiarism measures will be taken (that’s F)
Assignment 2: Comment on at least 10 other posts, with all comments seeming to be “genuine”. If you don’t give enough “genuine” comments, you get a D. If you don’t get any comments, your post was too pathetic to comment on (straight F)
Assignment 3: Come and discuss with me about your flaws in Assignment 1 and 2. Not coming to me shows you are too overconfident (means D). Come to me and patiently listen while I lambaste you at length for my entertainment, you have some hope to pass. Keep praying.
And the icing of the cake is that they consider their classes to be the most interesting and engaging of all. Remember the scene in The Dark Knight when the Joker walks around the room pointing his shotgun at everyone – “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight’s entertainment!”. Yeah, engaging like that 
!
The Geek – Little-understood geniuses, extraordinary eccentrics, lovable nerds. They come in many varieties and are known by all these names. The most manifest quality of all Geeks is that ordinary mortals just cannot understand them. They speak right out of some esoteric Scientific or Management journal, appreciated and understood only by students who are geeks in their own right. Brilliant minds which bring many accolades to the Institute, they are never really understood, but only appreciated from far.
The Maverick – Free thinkers and believers, the mavericks are the epitome of style and class. They rubbish all forms of formal discourse, exams and evaluations, and develop their own ingenious methods to mock the rigid administrative systems. Their classes are replete with gyaan – of the intangible types, and a classic air of “been there, done that”. They have their own set of admirers, and manage to awe everyone, though their devil-may-care attitude might sometimes creep you out!.
The Nursery Schoolteacher – Now introducing you to the rare breed of innocent and naïve Professors you would find in an MBA institution.
Usually first timers, the nursery schoolteacher is way too respectful to the students, unaware of what impish rascals the students can be! Disciplining the class is a big challenge to them, and they always seem flustered and ruffled (keep flapping their wings like a scared pigeon around a clutter of cats!). Desperate to get good feedback from the students, they are unabashedly manipulated by the bacchas who easily see through their weaknesses and negotiate with them. Arrey MBA students hain Bhai!!.
My most vivid recollection of such a lecture: A feeble and desperate attempt to keep the class in order – “Arrey zara suniye toh!”
The Dragons – With flaring nostrils, nimble and light-footed, they breathe fire while prowling around the whole classroom, ready to pounce on their unsuspecting prey. First bench, last bench, behind a pillar, under the table – no place is safe in their class. Infamous for cold calling, the moment they ask a question, everyone starts avoiding their gaze by looking deeply into books like newly married brides. If you fail to answer any question, you are met with a disapproving tch..tch, and a look of deep disgust! Coincidentally, a huge portion of their marks is allocated to class participation. To preserve your ass, you need to think a million times before you open your mouth.. Anyone making an attempt at DCP is mercilessly shot down. Dare you even nod or wink in their class, you would be treated with a thundering – GET OUT!!!
The Scrooge- Recognize Charles Dickens’ legendary miser Ebenezer Scrooge?.
These Scrooges cling on to every little mark like its giving away a drop of their blood. Almost makes you wonder if they consider that the list of unallocated marks are a hoarded treasure for eternity!. With silky smiles and a sarcastic grin, marks are doled out in itsy-bitsy increments of .1s and .05s!. On top of that, they also make you work like a dog, and you are rewarded like a donkey. But divine intervention ensures that they don’t get away easily with this injustice. Like the Ghost of Christmas haunting Ebenezer, you would usually find them hounded by gold medal aspirants of the batch!.
The Performer – Think of the classroom as a huge stage, and the 90 minute session as a famous opera. Every move of the Performer proclaims – “The center of the stage is where I am!.” Their booming voice fills the room with its overpowering presence. The theatrics, pelvic thrusts and dance moves would put Mithun Chakraborty to shame. Imagine the Performer boogieing to the jingle – Yahi hai right choice baby—Aha! Whether the act is supposed to be funny or serious, I have no idea. They give this performance with such a deadpan expression; it’s a serious health hazard really. You cannot dare laugh in their class, and suppressing laughter for long periods of time can make you choke and die of asphyxiation!
The Express Train – They scramble into the class, open their laptops with expeditious urgency, rush through the zillion slides at breakneck speed – barely stopping to breathe, and end the lecture collapsing on the podium gasping for breath!. Firmly believing that management education can never capture the colossal extent of knowledge out there in the universe, these altruists harbor the noble intentions of imparting maximum amount of knowledge to their subjects in the limited time available. Unfortunately, these benign intentions are not met with much appreciation by the common junta.
In their class you would find two groups – A tiny harassed bunch which furiously scribbles notes to keep up with the depressing monologue, and a huge hostile crowd that casually covers the last benches, deflecting the verbal assault with protective gear like earplugs and headphones. Students usually turn up ten minutes before beginning of their class, since there is a frenzied competition for the last bench!.
Oh, I can keep going like this.. On and on. Leisure, I guess has made my imagination run wild. Or totally berserk. (you might find bits of dramatic personalization here and there) 
So I’ll take a break and end this post here. Ciao for now!
Coming up soon :
The Idiot’s MBA survival kit
.. It is Friday night and I am wondering how I would spend the next 60 hours of my life!.
.
Afrozy Ara
